Side view mirror at Mother’s Day

I like the saying on the side view mirror.  “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.”  As a person in recovery, I have always minimized things that were coming at me.

This year it was Mother’s Day.  I am an orphan.  Admittedly, I didn’t become an orphan until I was 41, but that’s beside the point.  So I don’t get to hang out with my mother, take her to dinner, send her flowers. 

And let me add that I was still drinking when she died so I don’t really think the full impact of her death was really felt for a few years. 

Add to the loss of my mother, the fact that my son died January 15, 2009 at the age of 20 years, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day.  That leaves me with a very excellent daughter, a lovable son in law, an amazing daughter in law, 3 wonderful granddaughters, and a cute as can be grandson… but there is nothing that takes the place of a child lost. 

Can you tell by the picture that this is a son who could make you laugh even when you wanted to brain him?

I didn’t see the pain coming at me when it hit last week.  I live with a grey noise of sadness every day.  But I didn’t expect to have this gut punch of grief.  It was like a cancer that had been in remission but returns with a vengeance. 

I wavered between missing my mom (who would have not known what to say but who would have hugged me until I felt better) and my son (who would have not know what to say but who would have postponed the pain with silliness).

In truth, time does minimize the pain.  And that stupid “time takes time” is true.  There will be days, I know, that no amount of time will be able to relieve the feeling of loss.

About texasgaga

I am a mom, a grandmom (Gaga to my 2nd oldest grand-child), a sister, a friend, a construction estimator, a homeowner, an active member of a 12 step recovery group, an artist, a reader, a survivor, a do it yourself wannabe, a laugher
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