- “You know it’s a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.”
I am part of the generation of women who burned our bras to our mothers’ cries of “Your breasts will sag when you get older if you don’t wear a bra while you’re young.” The end result was that I couldn’t go bra-less without “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” playing in my head.
I resent spending money on bras, but I do. I have to. There was a time when I could contain the boobage with a cheap bra, but that time passed sometime in my 30’s. I’m nowhere close to the Guiness record for the biggest breast (56 lbs) or the biggest bra (48-V), but I no longer make A’s in the chest category.
The goal today is to find a couple of bras and throw away a couple of the depleted elastic, snaggled hook bras that I am still wearing. I think I’m going to look for a sports bra At my size, that’s a little iffy. Some styles give me the uni-boob look which is never attractive.
I need to get measured for the new bras. That’s never fun and generally embarrassing. But considering that 8 out of 10 women wear the wrong bra size (that’s according to the brochure in Dillard’s fine lingerie department), I will forgo the modesty and give the certified professional bra specialist something to do.
(Doesn’t that make you think? What kind of person becomes a certified professional bra specialist? Who do you think certifies these specialists? What kind of test do you think they take? Do you think it’s a lifetime certification or has to be renewed when bra technology improves? It does make you wonder.)
The first patent for a bra was given to a woman. Mary Phelps Jacob sold her design for a bra which
- Phelps’ design sold 3 years later for $15 million
used 2 silk hankies detailed with baby ribbon in 1914 for $1,500. She used the name Caresse Crosby which is considerably more romantic sounding than her own name.
Her design was a considerable improvement over the bra styles that women wore prior to 1914. I think the bra design would have been streamlined and modified in the 18th century if manziers had been the required attire.
- It’s been over 100 degrees in south Texas this week and I can’t imagine trying to holster the girls in something like this.
Today, patents have been issued for bras that can detect radiation in case of a nuclear attack, identify breast cancer, and monitor your heart. There’s even a patent for a bra that emits an odor that kills the desire to smoke. That seems weirdly creepy but interesting.
However much I might dislike spending the money on these darn bras, I won’t spend nearly as much as Victoria’s Secret spent for the 2010 Fantasy bra. With 60 carats of diamonds and 82 carats of sapphires, it cost $2 mil.
That makes my bra budget seem like a 32-A even if my bra size isn’t.