Every saint has a past

...and every sinner has a future.  (Oscar Wilde)

I like that.  We have a sentence in the BB that says “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”  It took me working the steps and a few years recovery before I appreciated it.  I wallowed in being a SINNER.  The truth?  I was probably just a SinnEr.  Maybe sometimes a SInnEr but not a SINNER. 

I’m not a saint today, either.  Better but I still have sinNer days.  “A saint, I ain’t,” as one long-timer in AA used to say.  I have a reasonable assessment of my past because I worked a 4th step on it.  (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.)  I’m such a big, fat liar that it took me 3 runs through the inventory business before I could turn out something that didn’t read like a Harbor Playhouse melodrama. 

Once done, I have a pretty good idea of where I’ve been and a fair gauge of where I stand in the Badness hierarchy.  It also gives me a little light on where I’m going, but I don’t know the future.  I can’t shine a light on the future and what tomorrow holds.

In the past, I used my imagined future to stay rooted in my rot.  I watched my dad struggle with Alzheimer’s and two husbands suffer from cancer before their deaths.  That old fatalistic “Life’s a bitch and then you die” justified doing whatever whenever forever.  For me, mentally imposed inertia is incredibly resistant to outside forces of change.  What a waste of the present that was!

I try not to squander the present day.    I have let fear and resentment dog my every step; I’ve let the past tether me, keeping me in yesterday more than today.  I may not know my future, but I know that chunking today can devalue tomorrow.  I learned that by examining my spent yesterdays when I worked those darn 4th steps. 

I am a work in progress when it comes to forward motion.  My prayers when I was drinking and newly sober sounded like a child’s Santa Claus letter.  I learned that God’s got my best interest at heart even when Life doesn’t.  It probably isn’t that Life doesn’t, but that other peoples’ free will comes into collision with mine.  I can swirl around in indecision rather than pickup the phone and ask for help.  I do this see-saw thing:  Maybe I should.  No.  I shouldn’t.  But what if?  Then I should?  Maybe I shouldn’t.  Or I should.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking.  I don’t have a clue which decision is best.  I have to trust that I am right where God wants me.  Seriously.  I can really believe that in the good times.  But even in the bad times, I am learning to trust that God’s in on the mix. 

I read a quote yesterday.  “You can only see the turn.  You can’t see the road ahead.”  I think it comes from the movie Stand and Deliver.  

Thank you, God, for not letting me see the road ahead.  I would either race through the turn to get to that road.  Or, worse, I’d park in the middle of the turn because I didn’t want to get to that road.  And get squashed like a bug by fellow travellers. 

My two favorite reminders in the BB are that I need to “trust God and clean house.”  Doing both of those things, I can live in the present and not fear the future.  If I trust God, I don’t have to worry about comes up after the turn.  And if I clean house, I don’t have to fear an ambush.

About texasgaga

I am a mom, a grandmom (Gaga to my 2nd oldest grand-child), a sister, a friend, a construction estimator, a homeowner, an active member of a 12 step recovery group, an artist, a reader, a survivor, a do it yourself wannabe, a laugher
This entry was posted in Hmmmm, Philosophy, Sober Life and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Every saint has a past

  1. Pingback: some sinners are saints (fearing fear & shaming shame) « JRFibonacci's blog: partnering with reality

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s