Christmas in July

The first holidays after I lost my mother were tough.  I realized there wasn’t any “over the river and through the woods” to grandma’s house anymore.   I was the grown up now.  Such a weird feeling.

Hard as that was, it didn’t compare to the first holidays after my son died.  2009 was the year that I had to call in sick not because of illness but because of grief.  It was too much on some days to put on the face and pretend like life was normal.   Holidays and anniversaries were death by 1,000 cuts.

The grief was offset by joy when I spent time with my grand-daughters; when GE announced that she was pregnant with my first grand-son; when she asked if she could honor her brother by scheduling her C-section delivery on December 7, his birthday.  Welcoming his nephew was a beautiful way to celebrate Jack’s birthday.

Jack's Christmas Eve message

Jack’s Christmas Eve 2005 message

At GE’s house after the birth, I wondered how to keep Jack in our Christmas.  He was so ready to celebrate that his absence stabbed my heart.

I read about folks who set a place at the table for their loved one or gave gifts away in their name.  That sounded good, but it didn’t fit.  There was no comfort on that night as I sat in GE’s house reflecting on Travis’ birth, Jack’s death.

Christmas 2009 card

Sketching has always been my favorite distraction.  As I thought, I sketched a little anime drawing of Jack with a Santa hat.  I added a sketch of his cat Ginger who died 10 months after Jack’s death.  That’s when I decided to draw my own Christmas card with Jack’s picture on it.  As I drew, I talked to Jack, telling him about his nephew and his nieces.

It felt like the right thing to do.  It felt like the best way I could keep my child in our holiday.

Each year since 2009 I go to the Hallmark store just in case I can’t draw a card,  but I get an inspiration and the card comes together.   It’s a blessing to sit quietly, talk to Jack, and draw.

Christmas 2010

We lost Jack’s dog, Jewel, in 2010. I could see his 9-year-old face in 1997 when he asked John and me if he could keep her:  “They are selling her for free!”  After he died, she waited at the front door for him to get home.  I added her to the Christmas card as Max from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Christmas 2011

 

 

In 2011, I spent a few hours in the ER waiting for a friend to see a doctor and listening to “Little Drummer Boy” on continuous loop.

 

 

 

Christmas 2012

Christmas 2012

Over Thanksgiving holiday 2012, I watched The Muppets Christmas Carol.  It was a holiday favorite for Jack and me.  (” Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat!”)  So I sketched Jack as Ebenezer Scrooge.

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas 2013

Bob and I started our  home remodel in 2013 and I found some of his poems.  Remembering his light-hearted spirit, his silliness, his resilience, I drew him as an elf.

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas 2014

Christmas 2014

Over Thanksgiving 2014, a friend of Jack’s sent me some photos of Jack.  Just looking at his laughing face made me teary.  All I could do was draw him as he looked in the pictures adding Jewel and Ginger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas 2015

And in 2015, after re-reading Eragon, a book Jack and I read together, I sketched him on a dragon.

 

 

 

 

The inspiration comes when I sit with my sketch pad and pencil.  So far, it always comes together.  It sounds silly, but it’s my son’s legacy to me.  Bob’s little cousin Makayla loves drawing.  When she and her family visited this month, she confessed that she was shy about showing her drawings to people.  I told her that I am always uncomfortable about my art, but I lose the self-consciousness when I am drawing those cards.  It’s not about me.  It’s about that my crazy-head, my son Jack.

 

 

 

Posted in God, Gratitude, Grief, Holidays, Relationships, Sober Life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

3 year notice

There’s a commercial for State Farm where an employee gives her 15 year notice.  “Well, I better schedule your exit interview,” sighs the boss.  “Fifteen years goes by quickly.”

Last year, I started training my replacement at the office.  Max’s nephew, out of college and looking for a job, came to work.  Max asked what I thought about him working for us in the office.  I gave my best fake smile and said I thought it would be a great idea. And I did. Sort of.

On the one hand, I loved the idea of having back-up.  A second set of eyes is nice.  My two bosses are all about work; there’s nobody better than they are.  They aren’t much on paperwork.  With nobody to double-check my work, I worry about the probability that I’ll make a serious error and cost them money.  In time, I hoped that Sobrino could check my work as I can check his.

I worry about dying. Not the act of dying.  I concede that I’m mortal.  Still holding out hope for immortality, but the evidence is leaning toward my having a “Best by —-” shelf life.

I fret about how the fellows will get along if I die at the estimating desk. It isn’t that I am indispensable.  I am not.  There are plenty of other estimators, most of them much more educated and more competent than I.  The good ones are working; so are the fair and not so good.  Like I can control from beyond the grave, I have a list of people who Max CANNOT hire no matter what under penalty of haunting.

In a few months, Sobrino could discern the good from the bad.  He saw the paperwork that should go with every bid. He understood that plugging in numbers, guessing the cost isn’t acceptable in a bid.  It’s ok for a seat-of-the-pants-don’t-hold-me-to-it estimate.  But not for a real bid; every number on a bid has some rational.  The rational might be flawed, but he needs to think through the pricing and not grab a number out of his ear.

With luck, Sobrino and I will work together for a few years before I retire.  I wasn’t worth what my boss paid me the first few years I worked as an estimator; bad judgement makes good experience.  And I got plenty good experience at the expense of my first, and maybe my second, bosses.

My trainee is truly an associate after a year of working together; I enjoy the companionship of collaborating on a bid.  Despite the 40 years difference in our ages, there’s a commonality.  He’s joined the Royal Order of Insane Construction Estimators.

dog-cat-and-egoThat’s all on the plus side.

On the down side, I battle this “dead man walking” mentality.  My professional mortality looms large.  They are ready to pull the plug.  No. Life. Support. Gaspchoke.  I  have this sense of decrepitude.

There’s so much ego involved in this process. I never liked co-workers and bosses who were knowledge hoarders, sharing just enough information to make their subordinates dangerous.  It wasn’t in the nature of the men who trained me so I sure don’t want it to be part of my nature as I train Sobrino.  I want him to know what I know, what I’ve learned over the past 30+years, all the hard fought knowledge that’s kept me working and supported since GE was a little girl.

I’m the aggregate of Roy, Charlie, Spec, Tharel, John, and Gary.  Ghost voices remind me to slow down just like I remind Sobrino to break the job into parts, think it through, ask questions, be confident that he can do the work.

And I am not confidant that I will want to move on when the time comes.   GE has said she was sure that working until death was my retirement plan.  This has been my life’s work, but I don’t want to die at the drafting table finishing a bid.  I’ve known a couple of estimators who did just that.  Unfortunately, it was literally.  (For sale:  One drafting table.)

007

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” (Kahlil Gibran)

My best friend and I were talking about taking care of her 90-year-old mother in law.  She said that it’s a little uncomfortable:  we are approaching our beginning of the end.  It’s uncomfortable to see what might be, to know that we might not have prepared well enough to have choices.  I wrote uncomfortable.  Should have said terrifying.

Ahh. One more of those dang things I can’t control.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Aging, Construction work, Corpus Christi, Jobs, Retirement, Sober Life, Women's issues | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Harsh reality

Hope is that thing that looks harsh reality in the eye, recognizes it for what it is, and still believes that everything is working toward a satisfying and glorious conclusion because God has said so with an eternal “Yes!”    Jim McGuiggan

I spent Thanksgiving in the middle of the Sabine National Forest. The foliage was dense and not familiar in the way that Duval County is. Not one cactus in the areas around Toledo Bend Reservoir. Southwest Texas has plenty of thorns. And snakes. I’d never heard of snake boots until Bob started hunting out there.

There are plenty of snakes in southeast Texas, too, but it was just chilly enough for them to be languid and not so excited about an old woman clomping around in hunter orange.  Not the best fashion statement but required vestments in the wildlife management areas during hunting season.

IMG_2030I spent more time reflecting as I sat in the deer blind than I would have if I’d joined GE and family for T’giving celebration.  I’ve learned that silence contains so much more than sound.  When my son Jack died, the voices in my head screamed, ranted, and sobbed for hours at a time.  I tried to drown them out with activity and with noise.  It didn’t work.  My best friend took me to a centering prayer meeting, and in the silence of meditation, I found peace.  Funny how the quiet subdues the agitation of my soul.

Today would be Jack’s 27th birthday.  I’ve gone through 6 birthdays since he died.  The first wasn’t the hardest.  Jack’s nephew shares his birthday so I spent the day at the hospital with GE and Jonathan.  I spent much of the time threatening God if GE and the baby weren’t perfect.  Everything went well.  Not because God cowered under the wrath of Margaret, but because things were always going to go ok.  New baby excitement exhausted me and I was all over the emotional map.

MediumPic634008974026530000I find myself following a family tradition on each of his post death birthdays, tracking what we were doing in the 24 hours before his arrival.  I know my sisters’ birth stories as I know my own; our mother would detail them as the time of birth got closer.  (Do you know what we were doing XX years ago?  Your father and I were waiting for our little girl…)  I subjected my children to the same nativity trail.

I did the same thing riding with Bob to fill the feeders in Freer.  In my mind, of course.  Thinking of GE’s pure joy at the thought of meeting her new brother.  Remembering, remembering, remembering.  It’s kind of like pressing on a bruise sometimes.  Other times it’s like ripping out stitches with my bare hands.  It’s somewhere in between this year.

Pre-sobriety, I lived my life observing and acting appropriately.  I was my personal Deus ex machina, prepared to pull myself out emotionally when the going got muddled.  Walking through grief has taught me to live in the moment, accept things as they come, the good and the bad.  I’ve learned that I can’t rely on my emotions.  The damn feelings betray me.  And I’ve learned that it’s ok when they do.

I’ve also learned to rely on God.  My concept of God.  I love God like I love a best friend.  I will never believe that God sent me my son’s death as a lesson, a punishment, a “blessing in disguise.”  It is what it is: a terrible loss.   It cannot be explained to me as God’s will.  That I endure and love and live following my son’s death is God’s mercy.

 

 

 

 

Posted in God, Grief, Philosophy, Relationships, Sober Life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

It ain’t kneesy

Bob hurt his knee on New Year’s Eve while hunting.  His right foot got caught on a root and his left leg went sideways.  Possibly a torn meniscus, said the minor emergency doc.  Go see a specialist if you are still in pain after a week or so.  The good news, said the specialist a week later, is that the bones are fine.  How about an MRI to see if there’s any other damage?

A torn meniscus is pretty common-about 3 million a year.  Age groups 19-40 and 41-60 are tied for most affected.

A torn meniscus is pretty common-about 3 million a year. Age groups 19-40 and 41-60 are tied for most affected.

$500+ out-of-pocket later, the diagnosis was a tear in the meniscus on the left knee.  It can heal after 4-6 weeks if the tear is small.  Sometimes, arthroscopic surgery repairs the tear.  Unfortunately, our insurance wouldn’t pay for surgery unless Bob attempted to strengthen his knee through physical therapy.  Three times a week for 4 weeks is what the doctor prescribed.

Physical therapy places are not user-friendly.  No late night hours.  No weekends.  Bob requested early release from work 3 days a week for 4 weeks.  His work put him on short-term disability until his knee could be healed or repaired.

After a week of not working and PT, Bob decided it would be a good time to have an abdominal hernia repaired.  (Well, since you aren’t doing anything anyway.)  It took longer for our family doctor to set up an appointment than it did for the surgeon to get Bob on the surgery schedule.

Last Wednesday, the hernia got repaired.  We got home Thursday after an overnight at the hospital.  And Bob got me for a nurse.

As a child, I thought I could be a nurse.  Even then, my ego winced at having to take orders from a doctor.  Maybe a doctor?  When I discovered my inability to restrain the gag reflex at the sound, smell, or sight of bodily emissions, I knew that I would never be a doctor or a nurse.

After hugging Bob too hard after surgery and dropping to my knees, crushing his toes when I was trying to help him sock his feet, I slowed down and tried to channel a gentle caregiver.  The surgeon came to check Bob’s incision, pointing out the 2 drain tubes on each side of his abdomen with tomato bisque colored fluid accumulating in plastic bottles that dangled like tassels on each side.  (Aren’t you taking those out?)  (Oh, no.  We’ll take the tubes out Monday.)

In the meantime, he told me to empty the drain bottles, measure and record the contents, and immediately report darkening of color or change in odor to his office.  I did try to empty the drain bottles, but Bob took them away when I started gagging.  (It’s okay, baby.  I can do it myself.)

Bob with his new nurse.  She hissed at me when I got too close.

Bob with his new nurse. She hissed at me when I got too close.

Sunday morning Bob woke me to show me his abdomen which was angry red and blistered under the tape.  The blisters were in various stages of weeping and smelled like rotting flesh.  We called the doctor’s office and were advised to remove the tape and just leave the area uncovered.  (It sounds like you have an allergy to tape.) 

Bob started micro-ripping the tape off and I got gaggy.  Let me help, I volunteered, quickly ripping the tape off.  With tears in his eyes, Bob gasped, “It’s okay, baby.  I. can. do. it. myself.”

I think I’m losing credibility as a home health care provider.

Bob goes to the ortho doc tomorrow to schedule surgery on his knee.  (One surgery down.  One to go!) 

 

Posted in Hernia, Humor, Meniscus, Pets, Relationships, Sober Life, Surgery | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Missing you

Goodbye

So many times people told me to be strong

That life could only be so bad for so long

I wish directions came with this life

Cause I can’t seem to fix it no matter how I try.

 I bid you  Farewell, adieu 

I had no more choices, it was the only thing to do

So I ask you for one last kiss

Just so you know, I didn’t want it to end like this.

Jack Russo        6/23/2007

J.D. (Jack) Russo 12/7/1988-1/15/2009

J.D. (Jack) Russo
12/7/1988-1/15/2009

I am pretty sure you wrote this after a break-up with your girl.  The timing is about right.  When I read it after January 15, 2009, it broke my heart.

I miss you, J.D.  You and your monkey furred head.

 

 

 

 

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Happy Birthday, Jack!

It was a dilemma I had when my son Jack died and for a few years afterwards:  How to answer the question of how many children I have.  I tried to avoid the question whenever possible especially in those early years when the question made me cry.  I hate to cry. I’ve found it doesn’t help a damn thing when done in public.  Makes me feel embarrassed and whoever is with me uncomfortable.

I also found that it doesn’t help to suck it up and put on a happy face.  Those stupid tears come out sideways.  There is no way to short-circuit the grief.  I call it ninja grief; I’m not sure that’s original.  But it does sneak up on you and exact its toll when you least expect it.  Bob and I fought all day yesterday while we re-arranged the house preparing for his younger son, Drew, to move in with us.  Nothing was going as quickly or efficiently as I wanted.  When the meltdown came, it wasn’t as much about the work as about Jack’s impending birthday.

It was somewhat easier the first year after he died.  I pretended like he had gone off to school and would be home.  For some reason, I could trick myself at least most of the time.  It was in the second year that I knew that life without my son, without the laughter that he invited or the anger that he evoked, was a permanent condition.  One of the moms at a Compassionate Friends meeting said the 2nd year is harder than the first in some ways.  That was incomprehensible until I came upon the 2nd year.

I won’t bake a cake, but pictures his niece Nina posted on FB blessed the start of my day.  I can’t call him and tell him the story of  his birth day, but there was a rewind and replay this morning when I woke up as I remembered GE’s joy at her little brother’s birth and that his first baby visitor was his niece Nina, 4-1/2 months his senior.

Today I thought about Jack’s fourth birthday when he woke us with “Happy Birthday to ME!”  I put up a tree and used the old ornaments, the special ornaments, the ones made or picked out by my children.  When he died on January 15, 2009 they had just been packed in tissue and stored.  I haven’t been able to open the boxes where I stored them 6 years ago, but this year, it felt right.

Time eases the active pain.  Like a leg break, there’s always a tenderness.  The reality doesn’t go away, but it doesn’t shut me down today.  I see that one of his favorite movies is replaying and think about how he laughed when we watched it.  I hear a song he liked or run across a new book by an author he admired, and remembering his enthusiasm makes me smile.  Often over this past week, I’ve thought of angry words I said to him and regretted them.  Too late to take them back, but I defy you to name any mother who has lost a child and who doesn’t have those moments.  I can’t.

This is the 6th Christmas that our card has his face on it.  I know other moms who can’t look at pictures of their children after they’ve died.  I am not one of them. I started drawing him on our card because there is comfort in looking at his face.  I do it because he is a real presence in my life and in the lives of his sister and nieces and family and friends.  I don’t want him forgotten.

December 7 would be his 26th birthday.  IS his 26th birthday.  Time didn’t stop when he died.  I wished it had.  I resented it for continuing, for time to keep passing.  “Life goes on” is what I would have said before I realized how life can plod and stumble. But life can also leap and run and dance.  And that’s what the gift of Jack and time give me.

I have TWO children.  Georgie, who lives near Austin, and Jack, who lives in Heaven.

I have TWO children. Georgie, who lives near Austin, and Jack, who lives in Heaven.

I’m feeling thankful
For the small things, today
I’m feeling thankful
For the small things, today

Happy, Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
And to you.
  —David Lowery

Posted in Family, Grief, Holidays, Sober Life | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My inner 13 year old

I want HEB to put these signs up.

I want HEB to put these signs up.

On a bad day, I not only want my local grocery to post this sign, I would voluntarily enforce it.  Those are the days when I am certain the car traveling the speed limit is going to make me late.  (Don’t they realize that DPS never gives tickets for 5 mph over the limit.  Pick it up, people!)  

Bob says that I always estimate it takes 20 minutes to get to a destination.  Whether I am at the office or the grocery store, “about 20 minutes” is my answer to how long it will take to get home.  I am correct if everyone on the road cooperates.  When they don’t and my ISM pipes up, I become a demanding 13-year-old, muttering and shooting the finger at complete strangers.

My ISM (I-Self-Me) stayed with me after I got sober.  The alcohol left but not the ISM.  It gets quieter if I’m leading a sober life, keeping touch with a higher power, thinking of others before I think of myself.  Working with other alcoholics helps because I see how the ISM looks on others.  (Is that how appear!?  Oh lordy!)  That’s how it is for me, at least.

I started driving a 13-year-old neighbor to school in August.  It was one of those careless “If you ever need help getting her to school, just call” offers.   Thrown out to the air, one more intention with no muscle to back it.  Her mom was recently widowed, doesn’t drive, and jumped at the chance to get her child a safe ride to school.

Do you know how people say mice are more afraid of you than you are of them?  It’s the same thing with 13 year olds.  Just replace afraid with repulsed.  Pulling up to the driveway, her mom ran outside holding her thumb and forefinger slightly apart in the “just a minute” sign.  She coaxed The Grump out of the house.  I watched hissed exchanges between mother and daughter before Grump broke her mother’s hold on her arm and stomped down the driveway to the car.

Our first few weeks of driving consisted of dazzling exchanges.

Me:  How are you doing this morning?

Grump (muttering):  Fine

Me:  How’s school going?

Grump (eye roll, sighing):  Fine

I know how the weather is at their house by the way she walks down the driveway.  Partly cloudy is a slouchy shuffle and moderately loud car door slam, Mom smiling and waving.  Heavy weather is stiff posture and double time march with Mom’s hands stuffed into her pockets.

It was the day that I stopped trying to converse with her that things changed.  I started the Margaret Monologue, talking incessantly , telling her about our 3 dogs and the stray cats, about things Georgie and JD have said or done, about embarrassing things I do.  I told her that my dream job is being a school crossing guard with the vest, hat, and whistle.  I expounded about the freedom to abuse power with my whistle and ability to stop traffic for no good reason at all.  (Eye roll)

A month or two ago, she asked me if it were true that the school counsellor encouraged Georgie to go to smoking cessation classes because she thought GE smoked.  I’d told Grump that I smoked in the house and car and GE reeked of smoke which led teachers to believe she was a clandestine smoker.

(Mom’s started smoking again and one of my teachers asked if I smoked.  I thought about Georgie.)  And?  And??  She didn’t say whether I’d inspired her or encouraged her or helped her feel globally connected with others whose moms were inconsiderate smokers.

My 13 year old porcupine brain

My 13-year-old porcupine brain

Three months into the school year, I’m still driving her.  When the crossing guards change, she points out that “somebody got your job!”  She knows me well enough to know that she can flip radio channels from public radio to C-101 if I don’t give her the hairy eyeball.  I know her well enough to know not to ask “what’s the matter” when she slams into the car.

She isn’t one of my alkie tribe, but she’s a good reminder of the 13-year-old porcupine who resides in my brain.

Posted in Driving, Family, God, Gratitude, kids, Relationships, Sober Life | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments